When I meet with clients and their families, I am sometimes pulled aside by the children wanting to discuss the client’s state of wellbeing. They will explain that their loved one is spending too much time alone, not socializing as much as they used to, or they are wanting to stay home more often versus keeping up with their social calendar as they previously did. Families begin to share concern of their loved one possibly becoming depressed, withdrawn, quieter and more aloof. Before I can give them my observation, I usually ask in-depth questions about their personality (introvert versus extrovert, highly sensitive person, social anxiety), specific examples of when they noticed their loved one’s change in behavior, any memory concerns, and was there a recent death of a spouse or of someone significant to them.
Next, I ask them what their definition of solitude versus isolation is. Being an introvert, I have always thrived in my solitude time, but I am also cognizant of when my solitude time is creeping over to isolation mode, and I need human contact and connection. Children of clients sometimes do not realize that their loved one may be enjoying the solitude even if they used to be social and outgoing in their earlier years.
We change as we age (in many ways!) and what I have discovered, especially with women, is that the older population tend to become more homebound and less need for socialization as they used to. I have noticed that older women especially enjoy their alone time and independence, yet still enjoy companionship, though it’s not something that is needed since most of them had their marital years.
I also realize that our population that has memory issues try to avoid being overstimulated if they are cognitively aware to do so. Sometimes the little ones in the family can be an overstimulation for grandma/grandpa, and with memory issues mixed in, the overstimulation can make them want to withdraw, become aloof or quiet and strive for some solitude. Grandma/grandpa’s “new” behavior of wanting to “shutdown” or withdraw can be misunderstood by the family especially if the stimulating environment didn’t used to bother them.
If I could give a piece of advice on this topic, I’d advise that with everything in life there needs to be a balance. With solitude there needs to be a balance of solitude time and human connection/socialization time. I do not find a purpose to balance isolation since isolation can be a tell-tale sign of someone hurting, whether that be grieving, self-hatred/infliction, neglected and/or abused (all forms), depressed, mental illness, and/or suicidal. Anyone that is truly showing isolation signs needs to be comforted and helped by others immediately.
A few questions to think about to have a better understanding if your loved one is in solitude or isolation mode:
- Are they an introvert or an extrovert? Introverts THRIVE with solitude (if there is a balance; that balance is key)
- Some extroverts become more introverted as they age.
- Are they highly sensitive (HSP)? Overstimulation can make a person with HSP feel stuck, unsafe, insecure, worn out, edgy, aggravated and sometimes aggressive.
- Is their diet changing such as losing or gaining weight? Is it drastic? Is it a healthy diet, starvation or excessive mode?
- Are their medications being taken correctly? Right doses, right time of day, consistently?
- Are they taking care of themselves, hygiene-wise?
- Changes to their household cleanliness? Piled laundry, dirty dishes, mail, bills not being paid, etc.?
- Any mention by them, even in a joking manner, of being lonely? Depressed?
- Do they bring up past times a lot and focus more on how much they miss certain people versus the fun and good memories?
- Are they rarely outdoors? Are they an indoor or outdoor person?
- Notice any memory concerns?
The list could go on and be more specific, but at least you will have an idea of where to start. The important part to understanding your loved one’s possible change in behavior is to be not reactive based and emotional, but to make them feel acknowledged, understood, safe, and a willingness to help them if help is what they truly need.
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